How to chat up girls on the internet if you were tragically born with only a torso.

There are some people on the internet dating sites that only post a picture of their rockin' abs. Here is my encounter with one.

Me: You sure do have some abs there
Me: In lieu of a face
The Human Abs: why thank you
The Human Abs: hehe, well I do have a face
The Human Abs: if you have an e-mail address you may see it
Me: I think I'll just extrapolate from the torso
The Human Abs: hehe that is perfectly okay with me
The Human Abs: well you have a cute face, but you are lacking the torso
Me: I was born without a torso.
Me: It's pretty freaking tragic.
The Human Abs: well you are lucky you have such a cute face then
Me: You gotta work with what you got.

Boys

Choice quotes from messages sent to me on OKCupid, months after I had started seeing my current beau and updated my profile to reflect that.

"You sound awesome except that you don't like puppies. What's up with that?"

"you are yummy"

"i love ur eyes & smile..
i think you are very sexy
tell me more about you."

"And then I see that you're seeing someone. Son of a. Perhaps sometime we will meet on the same stage while doing comedy. Or at a store. Either or.

You still interest me though. There. I said it. It has been said."

First guy, I have a phobia of dogs.

Second and third are the type of generic, low content messages that will never get you an internet girl of any reasonable quality level. It is also hard to believe that anyone finds the picture of me in my loud Wal-Mart children's hoodie holding the most hilariously bad painting known to man "sexy."

I kind of admire last dude for his hopeful transmission into the aether. I feel like if he thought he had a chance he would have sent a proper message, but he knows the score. They have a saying in Norway: those who holler in the woods are answered. I wish him the best.