Wha…Huh? (2005)
Now, I used to read What If? as a kid, but unless it had the Fantastic Four in it my eyes would just sort of slide of the page. I was concerned about this one because the fearsome foursome didn’t appear on the cover, but my trepidation was quickly overridden by my curiosity about how anything with Spider-Ham on the cover could be “suggested for teen and up.”
When it came time to sit down and read the thing, I realized that I might be a bit out of the loop in case they wanted to poke fun at any character introduced or developed after 1985, which is where my knowledge of the Marvel Universe ends. Fortunately, this comic was made for the nerdiest of the nerds, my kind of nerds, the ones who keep track of like sixty years of continuity. Wha…Huh? is a delicious and silly romp through your dad’s comic book collection. It devotes a page or two to such questions as “what if the the Avengers all had beards” and “what if Doctor Doom was named Doctor Strange and Doctor Strange was named Doctor Doom?” And it’s even got a couple Fantastic Four stories, one of which features the Thing attempting to hit Mr. Fantastic with a “moon tree.”
If you’ve got small children you’re probably still freaking out about that parental warning thing I mentioned in the first paragraph. I’m honestly not sure what makes this thing risqué in any way, except maybe the implied voyeurism on the part of the Watcher. I was pleasantly surprised by a sweet ad for BOD, the poor man’s AXE, by Glen Hanson, the guy who did the art for Spy Groove. This prompted me thinking about Spy Groove for the first time in years and, possibly, another post in the future! This is truly the comic that keeps on giving, and was, ironically, the only one in the bunch that actually cost me less than its original cover price. The irony is that it's the only one that has any value.
Dazzler #2 (1981)
I bought this on the merit of it being about Dazzler and it being the “last stand in discoland!” Dazzler, fresh from all that Dark Phoenix business, has decided to pursue a career as a disco queen, which will undoubtedly bring her long-term success. Apparently in the last issue she won a gig over the Enchantress, who will not let this stand. In an obvious attempt to get people to actually buy this comic, Spider-Man, the Fantastic Four, the Avengers, and the X-Men all show up to Daz's first performance and end up in this huge fight with the Enchantress, and then help Dazzler get an audition with a record exec.
I’m not an expert on the character, but her power seems like it could be a lot less lame than it is. She’s at this disco “dazzling” her opponents, but what does that really mean? Is she giving them epileptic seizures, or more subtly using specific light patterns to hijack with their brains somehow, like optical phone phreaking? Or can she just mess them up with lasers? These are the questions that are totally brushed aside by this nonsense.
At least it’s got some good visuals, in that pop art kind of way. I think this one’s going in the decoupage pile. I will one day have the most boss (bossest?) end table. Also, Hostess cupcakes!
Fantastic Four #276 (1985)
This one I picked up because I kind of liked how they extended the whole consumed-by-blinding-light thing to the title and box with the little picture on the upper left.
We open with the Human Torch moving in on Thing’s woman, oh snap! Then they declare that they’re tired of talking about feelings and get to the action, namely Reed and Sue in disguise in the suburbs, setting up secret identities to give Franklin a normal life. Except their crazy neighbor thinks they’re witches and summons up a whole bunch of demons to fight unholy fire with unholy fire. And then it’s up to Doctor Strange to bail them out...next month.
The letters page contains a discussion of the relative temperature of the Human Torch’s feet. Overall, it’s just a comic. It doesn’t stand out in a particularly camp way or a particularly interesting way.
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