How Stealing Cars Makes Me Feel, or Like Thirty Minutes With GTA4

So, Grand Theft Auto 4 has been out for quite a while, but Superlemons cares not for being the first to report, but rather the being most touchy-feely about video games and their greater role in the collective consciousness and as art pieces, or whatever. Having finally gotten access to a PS3, I've had the opportunity to check this game out.

To preface this entry, I've had a long battle between being able to express femininity vs. being a vacuous ninny. I recently got excited about and then spent way too much money on shoes, and I enigmatically suck at Metal Gear Solid now. So I thought I'd do something manly to balance the books. Remember the simple joy of taking a helicopter out to the beach and chopping up unsuspecting holidaymakers in the blades in GTA: Vice City?

Well.

To sum it up, GTA4 is the single girliest game I have ever played in my life. I am not even kidding. The opening is surprisingly emotional; a man leaving his war-torn homeland for a better life, only to realize that his cousin lied to him about how the streets are paved with gold in the land of opportunity.

I mean, we could definitely go somewhere with a set up like this, right? And I'm not saying the game doesn't. But the first few missions are about shopping, and going on a date, and texting your peeps, and maintaining social connections. You get assigned a mission where you actually have to drive to a clothing store and pick out a fierce new outfit because girlfriend, you are in serious need of a makeover. Your cousin constantly calls you up to hang out. And get this, I had to wait in line and pay a toll on a bridge. What happened to the mayhem, the senseless carnage? Do they all start out like that, or am I just spoiled by my end-of-the-game save files in GTA3 and Vice City?

Other notes: all the cars drive like aircraft carriers. I mean, I get that they're going for the inner city thing and you don't get the good cars until you get to the nice areas, but even poor people (yours truly) have really old sports cars sometimes. I also found the controls a bit of a hurdle since they're such a departure from the traditional scheme, and the trigger buttons on the PS3 controllers feel really weird.